How many of us find our one and only true love?

It is a habit of mine to find the most common, true, logical, and meaningful representations of a word or phrase. True love will not be an exception.

According to the Oxford Language Dictionary.

True (adj) –

1. in accordance with fact or reality.
2. accurate or exact.

So from these two definitions, true love is an exact and accurate reality of an intense feeling of deep affection, that someone has great interest and pleasure in. True love sounds more like an action than the reality of just existing and stumbling upon another person and falling in love. Right?

Love is NOT a Fairy Tale

So full disclosure. I grew up with the idea that love was magical, whimsical, and spontaneous. That one day my savior would come for me. It wasn’t the common Disney Fairy Tale either. I was different, than all of those “princesses” I knew from an early age I was awkward, weird, quirky, maybe even a little nerdy. I embraced it early as well. I was never the one to try and fit in and be apart of the norm. BUT, I did still want that fantastical love moment.

When I first saw the movie “The Nightmare Before Christmas” I thought THIS is ME! Not only was I different, I was attracted to “different” types of boys. Quiet, nerdy, inquisitive, goofy, nerdy, maybe even a bit awkward themselves. But confidence was key. Those that embraced the difference was whom I thought I would “bump into” and fall madly in love with.

But that’s not how it works. Well at least for 90% of the population. I have heard a few stories of the high school sweetheart romance, boy meets girl, they’re best friends, they go through a few rough patches, then they work it out, and live happily ever after; and pass away holding each others hands. Awwww.

Pffftt. If only. Life is a little bit more complicated and difficult than that. Most times its boy meets girl. Either boy breaks girls heart, or girl breaks boys heart. Then trauma sets in. Those who go through that first heartbreak in high school, will never forget it. NEVER!

Every other relationship that follows, is built off of that first one. Comparisons, expectations, nostalgia, resentment, and the list goes on. People end up forever chasing that first high. It’s like a drug. That very first honeymoon phase that you experience is like nothing you’ll ever experience again, and of course there are exceptions.

So, skipping to the point, I experienced that. In high school of course. Got my heartbroken of course, and then went on to search for that same experience. Not the same person, but to experience the same emotions. The highs of infatuation. And I use the term infatuation because it is quite different from Love.

As we mentioned before. Love is an action. It is something that endures, sustains, strives, changes, challenges, compromises, believes, and determined. The most important and crucial aspect of this action of Love, is that its evenly accepted and acted upon from both sides. If it’s one sided, it doesn’t count as love. It has to be balanced.

So, I had to ask myself. Did I actually Love the person I met in high school? Probably not. I was most certainly infatuated with him, and maybe even him with me. But, we didn’t endure, we didn’t change with the challenges, and it was one sided. It might have been due to lack of experience or knowledge, but either way, it wasn’t love.

When I met my husband, he definitely fit the bill of awkward, quirky, intelligent, always silently observing others. But what was quite captivating, was he wasn’t just interested in the mundane “What do you like to do, where do you like to go?” conversation. Just trying to see what we had in common. He was very active in finding out, if I was a match to the idea of True Love. If I had the ability to change, challenge, accept, compromise, sustain. Was I willing to put my 1000% into a relationship. He wanted to know would I back out, if there were “hard no’s”.

Basically was it truly and organically through thick and thin, sickness and health, good and bad, through everything until the very end. That is not an easy of a feat as people may think.

I took the challenge.

Settling

According to the Oxford English Dictionary

Settling – [the gerund or present participle of settle] (v). resolve or reach an agreement about (an argument or problem).

My confession: I have asked myself 10000 times over, did I settle? And I realize the only time I asked myself that question, is when I am upset. So, I don’t ask myself that question anymore, because, even though it took me some time to realize, but settling happens in a marriage. You settle challenges, disputes, disagreements, arguments, debates. Love is action and settling is a part of it.

So no I didn’t settle for my husband, because my husband ISN’T the problem. But there are problems that arise in our marriage. So we work on settling those.

If there is ever a time someone thinks they have “settled” on a person as a significant other, then they should take accountability and responsibility and realize they did CHOOSE that person. The person wasn’t forced upon them. And don’t get me wrong, I know the rhetoric of “I wasn’t expecting this.” or “S/he changed.” “This is something we didn’t talk about.”

Here’s the thing, something I stress fervently to my children. When you begin to search for a companion, you should ask yourself, one very crucial and important question. “Can I commit to this person NO MATTER WHAT?” and if the answer is no, then move on. And if the answer is “I couldn’t commit to anyone no matter what.” Then I would suggest not getting married. A harsh opinion, but mine to make.

And to clear that opinion up with the “What if’s…” “What if they are abusive, gamblers, cheaters, murderers, rapists, etc.” My opinion still stands. Because either you didn’t do you due diligence to carefully, critically, and crucially examine this person, or even if you did and that change came about somehow, even though I don’t believe in divorce, I do believe in settling. Obviously this person you Love (action) has had something significant happen to them to make them “act” in a certain way. So it is the act of love to find out why, and how to help them.

Now, don’t get me wrong. If the person themselves are in harms way, I do firmly believe in separation. Of course find safety, but I still believe if you truly loved this person and KNEW this person, you would know something was off and they need help.

Did I settle for my husband, no. Do I love my husband, yes. Do I like my husbands actions, not all the time. Do we exist in this perpetual infatuation stage of raindrops, lollipops, skittles, and rainbows, no. But I do know, that no matter what, I will stick by his side, and he (I would presume, lol) would stick by mine.

Peace and Blessings. Always Anima