The two most important things you will ever hear about knowing your man!

#1. Never take advice from a woman on who your man is, how he should act, what he likes, or his feelings towards you.

Now, let’s state the obvious, I’m a woman. BUT, what I’m not going to tell you is what I mentioned above. I’m not going to tell you who YOUR mand is, how he SHOULD act, what HE likes, or his feelings towards YOU. Now this brings me to my next point.

#2. YOU must take the initiative to get to know who YOUR man is, how he acts (not how he SHOULD act), the things YOUR man likes, and his feelings towards you.

Another warning before you delve into this opinionated blog, is that the advice that I’m giving is going to take work. And not just mediocre work, but hardcore, steeled patience, graceful, tactful, and sometimes scream into a pillow type of work.

Still want to know? No? Ok, well there are PLENTY of quick tips and tricks advice columns you can visit where a woman tells you 10 ways to get to know your man, or 7 ways you know your man loves you, or about 9 ways to tell if your man is cheating on you.

Honestly though, how many have you read that have worked? How many were 100% spot on, or most importantly improved your relationship to the point where you didn’t have to click on my blog? Just food for thought.

But, if your answer is Yes. Then grab your tea, coffee, or whatever your beverage of choice is, sit back, and let’s do a deep dive into how YOU become the expert in your own relationship.

Now, before I begin, let’s make something chandelier crystal clear. I am not a licensed or certified counselor or therapist. I do not purport these tips to be bullet proof or fool proof. These are only suggestions I am offering through observation, experience, and trial and error. Take them with a grain of salt.

The Biology

Let’s start with the most basic aspect, but probably most important factor to consider when learning your man. He’s not a woman! Pretty obvious right? It’s important to consider this point because we can’t expect a man to think, nonetheless act, like a woman. Do we share a few basic attributes? Of course! But our basic biology requires us to think and act differently.

We can all agree that hormonally, men, on average, produce more testosterone than women. So what does that mean? I won’t give an in-depth lecture about what testosterone is or what it does to a man; but, if you are interested or need a refresher, according to Dr. Howard LeWine with Harvard Health Publishing

“Testosterone is a sex hormone. Hormones are the body’s chemical messengers. They travel from one organ or another place in the body, usually through the bloodstream, and affect many different bodily processes.”

https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/testosterone–what-it-does-and-doesnt-do

I always strongly urge you to do your own research.

But, for now it’s safe to say that men, typically, tend to

• Be more Assertive
• Be more Aggressive
• Have higher sexual libido
• Have larger muscle mass (physical inclination)
• Produce more bodily hair

Now, aside from the last one, the others play a pivotal part in the factors of who YOUR man is. Of course, the amount of testosterone he naturally produces plays a part. As well as the effort a man puts in quell some of his natural urges. There are so many variables that play a part in the varying degrees of these different hormonal aspects. But the main point is, men are biologically different from women.

How does this help you? It means the average man will respond differently to a situation than the average woman. Let’s use a quick example.

Let’s say you and your significant other (S/O) are out having dinner. A young waiter comes to take your order. He has two glasses of water with him to start you off. The waiter approaches your man and spills the water into his lap. Snidely, the waiter dismisses the situation, as if it’s no big deal, and asks what you’ll be having for your appetizer. No apology, no offer of assistance.

Most men, on average, will have a more logical and analytical reaction. He will assess the situation to see if he needs to be physically respondent, verbally respondent, or maybe take no action at all. What’s the best course of action to take for this situation, to get the required response that is needed.

On the other hand, women, on average, will have a more emotional response. Was this intentional? What’s this waiters deal? Maybe some embarrassment; thinking, what’s everyone thinking, or what your man is thinking about the whole debacle, will he intervene? It’s more about how the action made you feel rather than the logistics of the situation.

Of course, this is not to say that there isn’t any crossover between responses from men and women. But the main point is men tend to assess the situation objectively, and usually respond counterintuitively to how a woman would respond. This is important because it is the same process of reactions that take place in any situation. During a conversation, an argument, foreplay, raising children, finances, you name it; men react differently than women.

Now that does not go to say, again, that there are not crossovers. Some women think more analytically, and some men think intuitively, and moreover, we all on some level will react differently to situations based soley on our personalities and experiences.

So, this is just the base level of information to be aware that the fact of the matter is, your man will NOT react to a situation in the way that you would, NOR in the way that you THINK he should.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

In general, most men show you how they fell rather than tell you how they fell. As well as, most men tend to believe what you show them, rather than take your word. For example, and I’ll use a personal example; when my husband and I were courting, but not yet at the dating stage. He bought me some red roses and my favorite meal, surf and turf. He brought them up to my job for Valentines Day. I’m not a very open person, and I didn’t want my co-workers being in my business. So, I took the items, hurriedly said thank you, rushed to my office to hide the flowers, and gorged my meal. Unbeknownst to me, he peeped game. He never spoke to me about how my actions made him feel, so I was none the wiser. After a year, and officially dating, Valentines Day rolled around … and nothing.

When I asked him why he didn’t get me anything he told me about the actions I took and how it made him feel. Through my actions, he figured I just didn’t like receiving gifts on V-day. Now, honestly speaking I didn’t like nor dislike receiving gifts, and I didn’t expect them either (just my own sentimentality). But it struck me as odd that he didn’t tell me how he felt. I was more upset he didn’t communicate with me. But looking back on the situation, he in fact did.

That day after I got off work we met up. I noticed he was a bit standoffish. I chalked it up to the fact that I didn’t get him anything. So, my takeaway from the situation is that most men will show signs, even if subtle, with how they feel. They will not verbally tell you. My mistake was, I didn’t address the subtle signs. If I would have, maybe a conversation would’ve reconciled the situation then and there, but I didn’t.

BUT here is an extra little nugget that I would challenge you to try. To rectify the situation, you would think, just let him know how you feel once you realized you hurt his feelings, right? Wrong. respond with action. ALONG with telling him how you feel. DO THE SAME FOR HIM. What I should’ve done was gave him a gesture of affection or sentimentality at his place of work, and not just on V-day, but right after the situation occured.

And here is the golden part of the nugget, and this is where the work comes in. Know what gestures he likes. My husband is a foodie, a simple gesture of bringing him his favorite snack or food would have sufficed. Suprising him at home with the ingredients to a recipe of his favorite food, would’ve have been stellar. My husband loves to cook, and he loves to cook for me! It would’ve been a win win.

Now, those gestures would’ve worked for me. I’m not suggesting you try those exact ways. It will take time and effort to find the gestures that your man likes. DON’T ASK HIM. Put in the effort of watching what he eats, watches on TV, what he likes to wear, even what he does for you. Because most men do for you as they would want done for themselves. There will be times you try something and his reaction is lack luster. Make a list, literally. Mark that off and try something different. You will be able to tell what makes his day.

And again, the golden part of the nugget is, men are easy, and the majority of men thoroughly enjoy pleasing their woman. So what you find out that makes him happy, he will put in the effort of showing his appreciation to you.

Stop Living in the Land of Should

So, here is where I might start losing the crowd, getting some boo’s, blank or angry stares at the screen, or even clicking off the blog. And guess what, that is A-ok, because this blog is for exactly who it’s meant to be for, and that’s not everyone.

Stop, and I mean for the love of cheese and crackers on a bed of lettuce, expecting a man to be how YOU THINK he SHOULD be. Stop thinking he SHOULD act a certain way. STOP thinking he SHOULD treat YOU a certain way. Do you want him to have the same sentimentality for you?

Another click bait I’ve seen with articles is, how to teach your man this and how to teach your man that. A man should know these things, but if he doesn’t, you have to teach him, wait HUH? The only thing you should be teaching your man is a hobby that you’re good at and he’s not. Stop expecting your man to know AND/OR trying to teach your man

• How to talk to you
• How to treat you
• How to make love to you
• How to raise the kids
• How to handle money
• How to make you laugh
• How to respect you

I mean the list goes on and on and on. Basically, anything you THINK your man should know or you THINK that you have to teach him STOP IT. Now, are you ready for the nugget?

Guide your man.

Yup, that’s it, you guide him on these things. Now, I hear the snickers, giggles, scoffs, and gasps. I can just hear the wheels turning with the thought, what’s the difference between teaching and guiding?

Let me break it on down. Teaching someone represents a space of authority, overreach, superior knowledge, and total control. Let me say it this way. Was your grade schoolteacher and your guidance counselor one in the same? No. When you guide someone, you come from a space of patience, understanding, and an even playing field. You allow them to follow your lead, rather than force them to follow your rule.

When you come to a man with a humble sentiment, with a perspective of “this is a tool that will help you, help me, help us,” instead of “this is a tool that will show you how to just help me.” It makes a world of difference. It should come from a place of reciprocity, love and most importantly unconditional and non-judgment. Allow him to be comfortable in a space of learning how to do the things you want. Not being nagged, pushed, or forced into the space. He has to want it!

My husband has a habit (neither bad nor good) of being a passenger seat driver. It’s not the most favorable attribute, but I know it comes from a space assistance, he just wants to help. Just because I don’t perceive it that way, doesn’t mean it isn’t that way. But over time, I allowed him that space, and from time to time, I would interject, calmly, and tell him why I was taking the direction I was going, parking the way I was, or driving the way I was. Over time, (insert patience here) he realized the main objective I’ve been pushing in this very blog; my wife doesn’t think like I do, therefore she won’t drive like I do, and he stopped (for the most part).

The importance of guidance over teaching

is allowing your man the ability to WANT to change. Again, with the same example of teacher vs guidance counselor. A teacher adds force to help you learn, there are negative consequences when a response is incorrect While a guidance counselor … well they guide, it allows you to be in the driver seat to make the decision on your own. And 9 times out of 10, your man will want to make that change for you as they will be able to see your POV.

Plus, it cuts down on nagging. What man wants a nagging or complaining woman? Forcing a man into change, breeds resentment for him, and expectations from you. And of course, if he doesn’t deliver, then more resentment. Him resenting you and you resenting him leads nowhere fast.

Now, you may ask, well how do I guide my man instead of teaching him. And that my fellow lady is the ultimate question.

If you’ve made it this far, I am thankful. If I have reached at least one person to take the challenge to try something different, then I have done my job. Creating a beautiful bond between husband and wife, between man and woman, and between you to your man is my goal. If you want to know more, I’d love to go in depth; and cracking that nugget open is a WHOLE nother blog post to write about. If you’re interested, I’d love to know and would surely do a deeper dive on guidance vs teaching and ways to make it work in the favor of your relationship.

Remember, everyone is looking for a companion, a partner, love, kindness, laughter, tenderness, and an overall great relationship. But it takes time, patience, and hard work. And believe you me, the reward is worth the wait and the work.

Peace and Blessings Always Anima