“One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life.”

-Khalil Gibran

Is divorce the answer? No. End of blog.

Ok, so as much as I’d like to just end it there, I know I can’t. I must explain myself.

I’ve had this discussion on a few forums, and I mostly get the same inquiries. What if they cheat? What if they are emotionally/physically/mentally abusive? What if they aren’t good parents? What if they drain all your finances and leave you both broke? What if … What if… What if… No one can predict the outcome of any situation in life, especially how their marriage will turn out. Mose people are living off an idea of how they want their marriage to be.

And there within lies the problem.

You mean it’s not ok to have an idea of how someone wants their marriage to function? Well yes and no. It’s ok to have a general idea of the marriage, but I don’t think it’s healthy to have a concrete idea of how you want your partner to be/act/look in that marriage.

Having concrete ideas or standards leaves no room for an imperfect situation or person. It also leaves the person with ideas always looking outwards instead of inwards. What I mean by that is, in most situations people tend to point the finger and blame the other party rather than looking inward and accepting responsibility for their own hand in the downfall of their marriage.

Marriage is hard. Really hard. No, I mean it, its freaking tough. BUT it’s not impossible to navigate through the toughest times. My sentiment is why get married if you believe in divorce? And again, for all of the what ifs, after every avenue, opportunity, and attempt to salvage the situation is exhausted, why not just separate? For as long as it takes.

I don’t have the statistics in front of me, but the number is quite exorbitant for the divorce rate now. Something like 1 out of every 2 marriages end in divorce. What’s the problem? But even deeper than that, what’s the solution.

From my own perspective and experiences, I think there are a few key factors that cause a marriage to end in divorce.

1. Getting acquainted – most people aren’t taking the time to really get to know each other. Instead of figuring out what the commonalities are, why not focus on what the differences are and if they are things that can be tolerated. Focus on short term and long term goals. Family orientation. Financial stability. Infidelity (on them and from them). Do long term sleep overs before moving in.
2. Accountability – It happens on both ends of the spectrum, from men and women. Putting the blame on the other party is a lot easier than accepting accountability. Even if it is not your fault, it takes two to argue.
3. Commitment – I don’t think people are truly ready to commit to the sanctity, loyalty, and hardships of marriage. Not to many people believe through thick and thin, sickness and health, good and bad, rich and poor, until death do them apart. Marriage is conditional now, the conditions should have been ironed out before the marriage, and then after its a matter of keeping your word. Promises have truly become underrated.
4. Complacency and ease – so many people want things to be easy now. The easy button is always right at everyone’s fingertips. Were always in a search on how to make thing effortless, easy, efficient, and quick. It takes a lifetime to truly know someone. A lifetime. People, situations, and circumstances are always changing. It will rarely be easy.
5. Conditions – I don’t not believe in conditions, but I don’t think love should be conditional, nor should marriage. But I will say this, during the “dating” stage, I do believe its practical to discuss certain parameters. I only suggest they shouldn’t be so concrete. Because back to the idea that change happens, nothing is foreseeable in life.

Now let’s hit on the hard topics. Infidelity, abuse of any kind, deceit, financial instability, and child rearing. Again, I stand that divorce is not the answer. I look at it like this. Something attracted you to this person, moved you to love this person, lay with this person, possibly procreate with this person, and put your trust in this person.

What changed that? I hesitate with thinking either people ignored certain signs or didn’t take the time to get to know this person as much as possible. I won’t go back on what I said that it takes a lifetime to know someone, but you can get a pretty good gauge on a persons personality traits, habits, and thought processes over a certain amount of time. There are always signs.

So at this point its about your resolve. If the person is cheating, why? If they are abusive, where they before? People don’t just change out of the blue, there are circumstances and situations that changes the average persons behaviors. What were they? Then its going back to the promise of sticking through it. Now again, if you’ve truly exhausted all your options, then what’s wrong with separation?

Now, I don’t purport to have all the answers, and this is only my theory and perspective for myself. Have I not thought about divorce? Absolutely, on more than one occasion. But I always go back to the promise I made, and I always work on taking accountability for my part in the situation. And

My most humbling thought is, I chose this person. No one forced me to be with him, it was MY choice and mine alone, and with a life long decision like that, I did not take it lightly, so I don’t take any situation lightly and I tackle any obstacle head on for however long it takes. And even when the thought may cross my mind, that I’ve exhausted all my options, my next step would be to separate and come back with a fresh view. Never divorce.

So, is divorce the answer? If your’e not married, I challenge you to think long and hard about this before you get married. Don’t just take in the ideas of how good it’s going to be, but be realistic of the possibilities in the hardships and obstacles you might face, and ask yourself if you have the resolve to take that obstacle on. If you are married, I challenge you to think back on why you married that person in the first place.

Divorce may be an option for some. But I implore for all that it is the absolute last option on the table.

Peace and Blessings. Always Anima